Finding Your Calling
Are you waiting for your calling? A divine event, mystical message, or call to adventure that will push your life in the right direction and give you a sense of purpose?
Do you find yourself not living a life aligned to your values, and feel a deep existential angst that there is more to life that you should be doing?
Do you have an idea of the destination you want to move towards, but find yourself paralysed to start?
If so, this article & video is made for you.
By Calling, I am mostly referring to your career path, but this applies generally to what we do in our lives that gives it a sense of value and purpose.
Not knowing what to do with life
Making a decision of what to do for the rest of our lives is huge – especially in a world where there is so much choice, and the longest commitments we tend to make are our phone contracts of a few years, yet whilst we are still a teenager, we are making decisions about what to study or train in. This starts a chain of events, shoe horning us into possible career outcomes at such a young age.
Many of us find ourselves choosing our university degree based on what we are good at or interested in, then graduating with this huge question of ‘What do I actually want to do with my life.
Spirituality and Callings
Are you waiting for something outside of you to guide you into your calling?
I was part of an evangelical church where charismatic things like prayer, prophesy, and visions were highly prized. The mysticism of that church created an expectation that I would personally have a sense of a calling in some profound way. Churches will talk about St Paul’s Damascus Road experience, or shepherds seeing angels as they tend their flocks, which can create an expectation of getting some divine personal calling.
Don’t wait to be called
For me, it wasn’t some divine calling or message from the heavens. Rather it was little opportunities, coincidences, and micro decisions which led to where I am now. Some people will have a story of how they felt called to their career and discovered purpose in that, but if that’s what you’re waiting for then you could be waiting a long time. Instead be open to opportunities with a position of openness to opportunities, and investing in your future today.
Isaac Newton’s Apple
One of the alleged famous calling examples is Isaac Newton’s apple. The story goes that he’s sat under a tree in his garden when an apple plunks him in the head and he shouts “Aha, Eureka!” because he’s discovered gravity. This is a lovely story, but it’s not the whole picture. He was never sat under an apple tree, he was in his study contemplating when he saw an apple drop outside that gave more substance to his workings. He also wasn’t adrift and directionless, he was a scholar who had left Cambridge temporarily because of a plague and was writing from home (a bit like folks who might have written a book during lockdown). Newton was inspired by the apple – but it wasn’t from a directionless state of waiting.
Religion and Career
If you are religious, your religious texts (like the Bible), traditions, and teaching will spell out what it is to live a righteous life. You don’t necessarily have to be a missionary or a minister to live that life. In fact, there isn’t a right way to live in accordance with your faith. You can choose pretty much any profession and still be godly. So, don’t wait on a call – some external prophesy to direct your life. You can start living now.
Shepherds tending their flocks
My other religious example was shepherd’s tending their flocks when the angels appear. They were doing a job. They were working as shepherds, and out of that job they were shifted when a new direction presented itself. So rather than waiting on some divine thing to speak to you, just be open to opportunities that align with your values to push you towards a purpose driven life.
There isn’t just one narrow path set out for you, but there are many choices that you can make and none of them are incorrect.
Existentialism
The crux of what I’m going to say today is that ultimately, we must choose our own calling in life.
Existentialism is all about making meaning in the face of Absurdity, a universe that doesn’t make an awful lot of sense and can be chaotic.
There are four main existential issues that are all triggered by trying to find a Calling, which normalises the Angst (a panic driven anxiety) that we might feel if we haven’t chosen a calling:
Death: The Latin word decide, (decidere) literally means to cut off. When we decide on one career path, we are cutting off, killing, the others. So, making a career choice means killing off the other options
Meaning: We spend a third of our waking life at work, and it’s the first question people ask at cocktail parties. Work is heavily tied to our identity and as such the Meaning we make from life.
Isolation: There are factors which push us towards certain career choices (our training, family, resources, connections), but it is us alone who has to work in that career and fuel that role. There can be an isolation to choosing a job when we realise that we must choose it.
Freedom: There are many careers to choose from, and a plethora of choice can be existentially overwhelming. The freedom and need to choose a ‘calling’ is then existentially overwhelming.
Choice
Imagine you’d like a chocolate. I have a box, and the only flavour is caramel. I give you one, and you enjoy it, but you’re probably wishing there were more options or noticing that caramel is not your favourite.
Imagine instead, I offer you a choice from a box of chocolates and there are six options. Caramel is one choice, but there are others you might enjoy more. In this instance, the choice is quite manageable, and you are likely to be pleased with the choice, with less regret or uncertainty on if you chose the wrong flavour.
Finally, imagine I took you to a chocolate shop that had over a thousand artisan chocolates, and I told you that you are just allowed to choose one chocolate. You’d likely spend a fair while deciding which one to have, and after be unsure if you made the right choice – or even disappointed and vigilant about any defects in the chocolate you chose.
Choosing a job is much like the third options. Humans existentially like to have the illusion of contained choice but get overwhelmed by too many options. The reality of our professional lives is that there are millions of jobs and none of them is the right choice. All of them will have costs. All of them will have pros. None of them are going to be perfect. Whatever job you choose, it’s not going to be perfect.
So quite simple, I am saying that there is no correct choice in your career, nor is there a wrong choice. The way forwards is to make a choice.
We need to accept that failure, discomfort, and unpleasantness is part of life and a part of our career. We need to let go of the concept of finding the ideal role that’s perfectly aligned with who we are as an individual. We need to just decide to choose a career, and practice Radical Acceptance that we have chosen one that is enough for us. And if there is enough angst, knowing we can always change that choice – we are not locked in for eternity.
Aligning with your Values
Values are personality traits, principles, beliefs, ideals, ties, and bonds that guide your behaviours, decisions, and priorities. You may not know what your values are and this section is about creating awareness of them. By doing this, we can firstly try to direct our lives so it aligns with our values, and secondly notice when things such as our career clash with our values and might cause us anxiety. For example, we may value our children but also success – our career may give us the later but pull us away from our children so we are grumpy around them, so in doing one we are clashing with the other.
If you click the link below you’ll find a printout of 52 different values. You can then cut them out and arrange them into values that you care deeply for, are indifferent towards, and those that are unimportant or even detestable to you. This exercise, taking inventory, can be useful to understand meaning-making in life, and you can refine the Important list to a top 5 Values which very much helps with finding a career.
No Job is Perfect
A little disclaimer that no job is going to perfectly fit all of your values, but we can try and live a life which aligns strongly with as many of them as possible. Your career alone also won’t completely fulfil you. It’s worth thinking about how we can balance certain aspects of our life with others.
Individualist vs Collectivist Cultures
Most people reading this are from the UK which (like most of the western world) is an Individualist Postmodern Society. We prize the efforts of the individual and what they personally accomplish in their lives. We are capitalist and we put value and status on people who earn more or have higher socioeconomic status. When we meet a stranger at a party, the first question we ask is, “What do you do for a living?” to assess status (even though it can lead to dull conversations).
Not every society is Individualist. Many societies instead have a Collectivist Culture where instead of basing your status off of what you do for a living, it’s based on your community. At that same cocktail party, someone from a Collectivist Culture might ask “how many brothers and sisters do you have”, “do you have any children”, “are your parents still alive”, or “tell me about your home town”. They’re interested in family & community, and your status is informed by that community & culture. Societal shame or honour are larger in Collectivist Societies, because your status isn’t just derived from your personal output, but from your community.
Both Individualist and Collectivist cultures have their pros and cons, and you as the reader probably belong to an individualist one. We are rarely able to be aware of our worldview, so it can be helpful to pause for a second and think that maybe our career, & what we do for money, aren’t everything. And that’s especially true if we’re not working because not everybody is, or can work. If our identity and value is solely formed around the job we do, then that puts a tremendous pressure on finding the right role, and that pressure to find the right role can be debilitating. Maybe it would be helpful if we could let go of our individualist worldview, for just a bit, so that our identity isn’t based on what we do for a living because that is way too much pressure. It will paralyze us from searching and we’re very likely to be disappointed if our worth is just being based on our role. Our work alone isn’t going to meet all of our values. And if we’re looking for work to do that, we’re going to be sorely disappointed.
Be Realistic
We may find a role that aligns with our values and we would likely derive a lot of pleasure from, but is it realistic? Personally, for example, I quite like making shorts on YouTube but getting monetised just isn’t realistic without significant changes and making those changes would likely sap some of the joys from content creation. In the same way, is your ‘dream job’ realistic? What are the practical limits: money, opportunities, if it would change your enjoyment of if it shifted from a hobby to a role?
It’s a Journey, not a Destination
Our Disney classics have an engaging story of action & adventure in which a prince and princess overcome obstacles, tackle the villain, and then they’re united together, and experience a Happily Ever After. It makes for a great story of True Love’s Kiss overcoming the challenges but the reality for relationships is that the Happily Ever After isn’t always happy and is the bulk of the journey, rather than the exciting story that led to matchmaking.
This is the same in our career, purpose, & what we’re doing with our life. It’s not about a destination but rather it’s an ongoing journey: The Ever After. Let’s realize that the bulk of life isn’t going to be finding our dream career and then everything is sorted, because happily ever after is the bit that we really need to work on. So don’t see finding your calling as a destination – See it as a journey which you’ll never stop walking. Don’t aim to find your calling, aim to keep finding it within your life (of which career is a part).
Procrastination
Procrastination: Getting GoingDo check out my other article (and first ever video) on Procrastination for more on this:
1. Look at any pressures that are sort of forcing you into trying to find your ideal career.
2. Break it down so it’s not this huge conceptual thing but make it more tangible of what the next rung of the ladder looks like. The next step on moving towards your ideal role.
Enjoy it
We spend a third of our life at work. Find something that you’re good at, you get a bit of joy from, and that you can put the grind into. It’s not always going to be pleasant, but it doesn’t have to be miserable. Find something you enjoy and enjoy the process of finding it.
Outro
Do feel free to contact me if you’re feeling angst at not living a life aligned to your values and are struggling to make the next step up the ladder. I would love to journey with you within a counselling relationship, and held you to navigate the existential angst of finding your personal meaning and purpose in life.
Simon is a Person-Centred Counsellor in Oxford working remotely and in person. He has lived in the county his whole life, and the city for almost 20 years. He appreciates the beauty of the city, nature, and connecting with people to help bring about meaningful change.
He is also a geek – who gets tremendous joy from gaming, crafting, cosplay, and creativity
